To care for our two young kids. Definitely. That doesnt mean she shouldnt modify her behavior, but her desire is understandable and its easy to lose sight of the bigger picture. But I do think, however hes approaching it, the dad needs to come from a starting place thats going to pique the daughhers interests. The dad is setting the tone for the relationship here and it is one of disrespect for anything that isnt your own interest and his daughter is probably picking up that attitude and acting in a reciprocal way. J said the shows and books listed are things mature, intelligent adults like. Im not gonna say that those novels were the sole reason she and I both ended up with lucrative and fulfilling careers in the hard sciences, or the sole reason why were both great writers and communicators, or the sole reason we didnt have to pay for college (we both got full scholarships). Do not let that behavior continue. Instead of a camping trip they could go for a bike ride together, with a friend, or walk a trail in a local park. First, remember that it is normal for there to be some conflict between a parent and child. Now a couple of days ago I made a mistake and got behind the wheel of a car after having a few drinks and got a DUI. If youre struggling to get along with your teen or adult daughter, dont hesitate to seek professional help. For every outing he chooses and she doesnt like, they should also choose something together that they can both enjoy (for example, shes into Star Trek and hes into science, so go to a space museum). She doesnt want counseling, but maybe parenting classes? I see her occasionally, but she never stays long if her father is around. I also really enjoyed Measure of Man which was the episode where Datas humanity is put on trial. (directed at the view in general, not you Fabelle) Am I not a read mid-twentysomething because I like them? July 2, 2013, 10:32 am. Old Medication, New Use: Can Prazosin Curb Drinking? ). I second this. That made me feel really loved and gave me a sense of confidence that is so, so important in a young girl (well, anyone, really). Sometimes that means taking a step back and letting things calm down before you try to mediate. Be her parent and let her friends be her friends. My parents did stuff with me because I wanted to and vice versa, of course thats important! Seriously, though I obviously realize the error of my ways now My point being that while my dad exposed me to things that interested him, he also jumped feet first into things that interested me and NEVER EVER made me feel silly or stupid because I was a 12 year old who liked things that other 12 year olds did. It could be something as silly as him walking into the kitchen when theyre talking and him jokingly saying something like Theres my two girls talking about Buffy again! and rolling his eyes. I went to on a three week roadtrip with her last spring (LA to New Orleans) a year ago in January And then we went to Bali for two weeks. Neither father or daughter should make disparaging remarks about the other and you shouldnt make disparaging remarks about your husband. He is your best friend, your teammate and your partner. If your daughter is still willingly doing these activities I dunno since most teenagers are rather bratty and self absorbed and not keen on doing things they dont enjoy Id hazard a guess she finds them more fun than you would like. I think visiting an air and space museum if shes interested in Star Trek is a great idea. Well, how nice for you that your 12-year-old daughter is interested in all the same things youre interested in! Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today. Actually, my husbands a pretty big fanboy in general. The dad cant have it both ways being rude while demanding respect and attention. Talk about missing the point. I had and to some extent probably still have some self-esteem issues that stemmed from my dads iffy parenting. July 2, 2013, 3:39 pm. If youre experiencing any of these issues in your marriage, its important to talk to your daughter about how youre feeling and why youve decided to stay in the relationship despite being unhappy. Husband treats 15 year old step son badly. The LWs husband sounds like my father. WWS, and YOU need to stop pulling away from your husband, because he doesnt have the same interests as your daughter. If he simply refuses to see that there is a problem and you continue to feel miserable, I suggest you consider talking things through with a Relate counsellor (relate.org.uk). Other times, you may have felt you were doing everything right to get a predictable outcome, but your efforts were unproductive or even erased. Are any of these familiar to you? You always give good advice (duh!) Absolutely. And to be 10, 11, 12, 13 and know that my sheer presence could make my dad so happy? Oh, and he thinks TV can actually teach somebody something more relevant than the fact that its both rather silly and stupid to be a Vampire Slayer Not too mention angst-filled. Expect my son to mediate a dispute between my daughter-in-law and myself. LW, I dont think youre siding with your daughter & creating an us against him mentality; you just seem to be describing how your husbands attitude has made you feel more distant towards him as well. If his dad had listened when my husband wanted to talk when he was a boy, perhaps my husband would listen to his dad now. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC, Psychology and the Mystery of the "Poisoned" Schoolgirls. And make it a good one. Courts take action when substance use, in the form of alcohol and illicit drugs, and/or misuse of prescription drugs actually hinders a parent's ability to care for their children or when the parent poses a danger to the children's well-being. Help her get excited about the real science and history behind the fiction she enjoys. We were really physically active and loved camping and sports, unlike the LWs daughter, but those books made us voracious readers, which in turn made us verbally proficient, intellectually curious, and capable of exploiting our imaginations in sophisticated ways. THIS is the problem, not the fact that a 12-year-old girl likes 12-year-old girl things. Copyright 2023 The Relationship Notes.Privacy Policy . Theres no reason why reading books and an interest in musicals and playing music make someone uninformed, one persons preference for geography over literature doesnt make them more informed than the other one! bittergaymark But you seem to have past that point long ago) Just as your husband has tried to cultivate in her his interests. So as not to be hurt again, they simply avoid situations where they think they will need to expose their feelings or emotions. His father worked out of town 5 days a week and was hunting on the weekends during hunting season, so my husband would see him maybe one day a week. Keeping your cool under stress, responding as calmly as you can, and walking away when you find yourself unable to keep calm are completely within your power and help you claim the power in your home. If LWs husband is making LWs daughter think that shes less of an awesome person for not having the skills he wants her to have, instead of saying these skills will make her a more awesome person, than thats probably the main reason shes pulling away. Oh and get this, occasionally, I orchestrate it so hes not the asshole no-fun mr knitknots type, and I do unfun things, like make her come serve soup at a homeless kitchen or walk dogs at the SPCA or help our elderly neighbour do various stuff. For my husband he has to do all the driving. He also occasionally went to movies with us. You may feel like you are caught between a rock and a hard place, trying to appease both of them while also trying to maintain the peace in your home. I grew up with a dad who I had a lot in common with. I loved how proud and impressed he was when I got the answer right, or parroted back some of his trivia. 2. Other times it means standing up for yourself and telling both sides what you think. Not from Scranton either! If he wants her to take an interest in his hobbies, he needs to feign interest in hers. Express your love and offer your help as opportunities arise. I firmly believe that there is no such thing as reading too much. lets_be_honest What is arguable? Is there crap out there? On the other side, my sister hates sports and has ZERO in common with my dad and I would say prefers my mom to him. lets_be_honest Related- History Channel has some great programming thats HIGHLY educational but fun to watch. Hmm, maybe. But, of course, that would require HIM to take an interest in something his daughter likes in order to find that common ground. Ross says it definitely would have beenif not for his tendency towards horrific sea-sickness. Another hallmark of BPDers is having such a fragile ego that their self concept is very weak, resulting in their having extremely weak personal boundaries. Will he ever change? The point here is that Mom seems to allow her to only have interest in those things, which is bad. Theyre bonding against him because hes being hurtful to both of them. If the individual is below the legal age of drinking at 21, the BAC level is usually around 0.02. I would just like to briefly brag about my dad and how were going to this awesome music festival together this summer!!! Learning about give and take in a relationship is very important for a 12 year old (who can often be very self-centered at that age) to know. Im still mad at my parents for allowing me to grow up without listening to Led Zeppelin. Huge!! By myself, though. I dont know where that gene comes from I know I dont have it. And some of that happens by making fun of your child. Mommy and daddy present a united front. July 2, 2013, 4:32 pm. It doesnt necessarily mean I hate it when you talk about Buffy. Or find something neutral. Dont you think that much of parenting is ramming things down their throat. Id say the exact same thing if your roles were reversed here, and somehow she ONLY wanted to watch the History Channel and go hiking. You are the only one who knows whats best for you and your family. ! He rolls his eyes and tries to get them to stop talking about stuff that theyre interested in. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[120,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-2','ezslot_18',131,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-2-0');if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[120,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-2','ezslot_19',131,'0','1'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-2-0_1');.mobile-leaderboard-2-multi-131{border:none!important;display:block!important;float:none!important;line-height:0;margin-bottom:15px!important;margin-left:auto!important;margin-right:auto!important;margin-top:15px!important;max-width:100%!important;min-height:600px;padding:0;text-align:center!important}However, when conflict arises between a parent and child, it can be even more difficult to resolve. Wed do something hed want to do (touring a waste water treatment plant seriously), and then wed do something I wanted to do a couple weeks later (he took me to see Rent when I was 13!). But, for example, my mom used to watch I Love Lucy and Alfred Hitchcock Presents late at night, and during the summers, Id stay up late, and I gradually developed a taste for both of them. :: If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. I discovered them in college and came home like, HOW DID YOU NOT TELL ME ABOUT THIS? Guy asked me out and now makes me feel bad for saying no. This year I took her to the Botanical Gardens not my first choice of activities, but it was a nice day and the gardens are pretty. And also, him treating her with respect and letting her know he values her, well that will also help shape her future relationships where she will know she deserves to be respected, valued and loved. Shes all the better for it. Watching their relationship blossom into a father-daughter one makes me realize how lucky I was when he became family to us. Yeah, unless you get something you cant do like spell backwards while jumping on one foot, then it just sucks, and you feel stupid. If he didnt care, then that would be more worrisome. I strongly agree with this. A my worldview is the best worldview type of parenting works out for no one, as my mother found out. Seriously though, Joss Whedon writes amazing TV his shows are some of the best the medium has to offer. One of her friends had already seen the series and the others wanted to come over and watch the show on Netflix. He did crossword puzzles so I sat down next to him so I could learn and now we do them together. (Okay, okay, I am projecting here, but again, I had way too many friends who were all way to into Buffy back in the day. June 30, 2022 by Team The Relationship Notes. Or raising a child who should have a bigger perspective about the world and what is going on. You wouldnt even ask that of an adult; why do you expect a kid to be okay with it? He showed me culture, gave me an enjoyment of the arts and it was one on one time that was genuine. I was hoping to be able to tell her that she has a grandbaby coming, but its still too early to know. July 2, 2013, 2:27 pm. So, I have actually always been closer with my dad to be honest. I think it would seem less like forcing if he wasnt being a dictator about other things I mean maybe if she could listen to her music or a Harry Potter book on tape in the car on the way camping the daughter would be in a better mood , Marjoralynnia Well, it made me sad that he didnt want to hear all about The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks when I read that. So you need to be more encouraging of her spending time with him and stop acting like a little club. They have to come at this from a position of mutual respect. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'therelationshipnotes_com-leader-4','ezslot_15',127,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-leader-4-0');And since she loves you both, it can be tough for her to see you stay in a situation that makes you both so miserable. They can work together to work on his father-daughter relationship but if his attitude doesnt change itll be that much harder. When the symbolic slot machine pays off, you were likely to have been off and running through the interpersonal Alice in Wonderland maze again. Belittling her favorite things will only cause more resentment and make her even less likely to want to spend time with him. I was/am (?) July 2, 2013, 1:17 pm. Its that shes finding she doesnt always like her dad. I know, Buffy was the weakest link in Buffy (is that irony?). But I agree with everything else you said. My father (and mother, if I want to be totally honest) would criticize anything that my sister and I had an interest in, regardless of how much value it did or did not have. My personal relationship with my dad was almost non-existent when I was a tween/early teen, except for those forced family moments. My dad patiently put up with and even encouraged me in my obsessions. Then she tells me she doesnt wear that anymore and how come I didnt notice? These dreams can also give you advice about what you need to do to steer your life in the direction you would like it to go. Frankly, I dont know ANYBODY who had such strange mutual worships WITH their parents I dunno, back in the 1980s most parents were actually grown ups, I guess. You got a long with him just fine before she got in to this stage in life, and you need to act like a grown-up every once in a while, because this guys is losing his wife and his daughter, partly because you want to be her friend more than her parent all of the time. I wanted to read 800 crappy Star Wars novels? I just wonder if there is an approach I have not considered. He and I read together every night when i was little, and I remember reading beauty and the beast with him, which I cant imagine was his first choice. I thought for years that I was incapable of being competitive, and all of a sudden Im in a sport that has me knocking people down and finding bursts of speed I didnt know I hadturns out I just hated playing basketball and gave no shits. Weird. Yeah the dictating that she cant even listen to songs sometimes in the car is way over the top. The conflict between your husband and daughter is bound to happen. I think compromise and parental teamwork will go a long way here. I do think the LW should encourage her daughters interest in her father and her fathers hobbies, because I think thats good parenting in general. Your dad was probably not rolling his eyes and making disparaging remarks about your interests. He may feel like hes being left out or that he isnt good enough for his daughter. Ross was telling me the other day that his dad took him deep sea fishing a couple times when he was younger. The comments seem to be about split on this issue. Not for a minute did I think she was missing out on anything because of not having a dad, as she had my dad and my brother to fill those fatherly roles. It also says the father is critical about her lack of competitiveness, initiative, and how she is uninformed. I was afraid the BS stood for something else. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[120,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1','ezslot_16',128,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1-0');if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[120,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1','ezslot_17',128,'0','1'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1-0_1');.mobile-leaderboard-1-multi-128{border:none!important;display:block!important;float:none!important;line-height:0;margin-bottom:15px!important;margin-left:auto!important;margin-right:auto!important;margin-top:15px!important;max-width:100%!important;min-height:600px;padding:0;text-align:center!important}If your daughter is still young, she may not be ready to see you with anyone other than her biological father. (I remember one long drive when i was little where we ran out of all other cds and they suffered through it for a little while and I was happy as a clam, but eventually they couldnt deal with it anymore). When I was growing up, I always watched The Andy Grifith Show, My Three Sons, and Leave it to Beaver, because those were the shows that were on, and I love those shows, but my father didnt force me to watch them, it was just what was on TV at the time. It sounds like this dad is a bit of a jerk, who when he introduces something and she isnt into it makes fun of her. Additionally, she may worry that if you stay together, shell have to deal with the same unhappy marriage later on in her own life. painted_lady Look, Im sorry, but your hand here is rather plainly seen. WOW! He wasnt invested in making mini-hims at all, and I am so grateful for my dad. And in the end its the time together, more than what youre actually doing, that makes the difference. Now she's asked me to talk to him for her and, the truth is, I'm fed up with her moping and simply don't want to. Definitely! If one of them moves over 100 miles away, then the arrangement changes to each meeting half way. Where is the suggestion to ask the daughter what she may want to do? From one mom to another. What To Do When My Husband Is Driving My Daughter Away? This jealousy can manifest in destructive behavior, such as belittling his wife or trying to undermine her relationships with others. Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. Here are a few things you can do to try and improve the relationship between them: Its not uncommon for daughters to want their parents to divorce. 2 weeks later his wife tried killing him, leaving him in the hospital for 3 months. So maybe Mom here does need to let go, and open the daughter up to a better relationship with Dad. My best friend is in that episode! They clearly saw that parent as the good guy, and are unconsciously playing out the same part, unable to stop giving even when it cannot be reciprocated. Plus he writes strong female characters, which is good for any girl growing up to identify with. What this may be in your husband's case is anyone's guess. This is NO accident. Mother of a Fangirl. Wendy, this advice could not have been better. LW, would your husband be up for a night of board games with you and your daughter? 'My husband is a terrible driver. July 2, 2013, 12:15 pm. I hope that you can in the process of all this also try to strengthen your marriage, because when your daughter gets new interests in two years or doesnt want to hang out with her parents or even when she moves out of the house, your husband is going to be the one who youre left with. honeybeenicki Talk about making a little go a very long way. You may need to have a conversation with your husband and daughter separately to get to the bottom of whats going on. He played the songs over and over and he had albums (and still does) and he would play them and copy them to the cassette so we could listen to them in the car together (pre CD times). Does he like the 80s music? (There was plenty of that too, but I felt like dismissing my nerdy interests hit the hardest because I felt like science-fiction, fantasy, history, video games and books taught me a lot of personal lessons about life, loss, and persevering. (Though I do try to find the stuff I like the best of the stuff he likes.) However, he is an adult and should know that assignments will not help them grow close. July 2, 2013, 3:39 pm, A parent should NEVER make fun of their child.. So, encourage her to spend time with him. I think my athletic and musical skills would have benefited a lot if I could have had practice early. Shes not pulling away from the husband because he doesnt have the same interests as her daughter. But if youre saying that getting the daughter into these things was some deliberate, malicious move on the part of the mother, I doubt that. As time went by, your belief that you had any influence at all was fading. My parents didnt take me to the local library because they hated driving, but they would drag my sister and I on hours-long drives on some Sundays, with stops in the woods to walk around for no apparent reason. Otherwise theyll never be able accept the ribbing and teasing that happens in life. My family was big on card games and board games, but my dad didnt participate much, which bummed me out. My husband goes thru their rooms & throws clothes away he doesn't like. His ambition and strong work ethic filled you with admiration. "I cant win for losing. Try to find something that they can both enjoy, maybe small doses of togetherness at first. No. I teach freshmen in college, and a lot of them are still Buffy fans. One centering dynamic is to be each other's 'coaches,' and to offer each other feedback and support in managing the kid with the behavior problem." Dealing with your distress, your kid's distress,. Plus, I gotta say, I dont love ripping into the mom for being Greedy , when it is understandable to want to foster such clearly shared interests with her daughter. Of course its going to drive her away from him. because I think that as the teen years progress you will need some better strategies to deal with the 2 strong personalities that surround you. She has to do something she doesnt like from time to time. Seriously, the concept of the Q is what puts me on the agnostic end of atheism. If he constantly puts her down she will not like him and she will not respect him because she knows that he has no respect for her. You might have started asking yourself, Is this person taunting me on purpose? Also, at what point does the LW start to teach her daughter that she should stand up for herself and her interests hate to think about the precedent being set that we must always cowtow to the man of the house. Lily in NYC They actually like this stuff! So it was this wonderful little springboard into history for them. Though unsettling, your partner was not boring. If anything, his dislike for it will help it belong to her more fully as she learns to separate herself from her parents. You can look at him as a mean bully, like you do, or an involved father who is trying to raise a well rounded child. Im dying for new people to follow! Only one parent here is enforcing assignments on their child. I was trying to figure out how to phrase it. Um, not so much. lets_be_honest When they are able to see the effect it has on the ones they love without being seen as intending to harm, they are surprisingly willing to change. Do you have any idea how thrilled he was? Lastly, the article idea isnt a bad one, but hes going about it all wrong. Im guessing the teen might be into the more recent iterations of Star Trek, the latest movies to come out of that franchise. Lastly, he should NEVER tell his daughter that things she likes annoy him. I still think hes acting out like a child. I felt like he was listening, he felt like he was involved.. Im also a 31-year-old fangirl so this might not just be a phase that shell grow out of, haha. painted_lady Your husband sounds like a jerk. Parents should be parents and kids should be kids. I just wanted to point out that even though the LW says the dad rolls his eyes and makes comments about how their behavior annoys him, we dont know the context of that. I can look back on those time I was forced to go mini golfing with my dad and smile, because I know how happy it made him, and I always ended up having fun, too! Things like going for ice cream. Show interest in his interests. I am, but I mostly just read others, so Im boring. lets_be_honest Grow up, already. And I really do think he has been 100%, maybe even 110% put on the back burner. My dad actually doesnt have a whole lot of interests, and if he does, he doesnt like them enough to pursue them. . I didnt say all mature and intelligent adults like Buffy or Star Trek, Im just saying there are mature and intelligent adults who like Buffy or Star Trek. My husband is an OK-ish dad when he does spend time with Petunia, but I think he is very happy with his bachelorlike life, since I basically serve as a full-time cleaning lady and chef, and I. Maybe they both like pizza or Indian food or something; then Dad can take her out to dinner or cook with her. But since I knew his motivation for liking things was less about me than it was about his own inadequacy, and I didnt actually like him as a person. July 3, 2013, 3:16 am. Its like a circle of hell specifically for we of the ADHD. You can see it in the fighting. However, he also needs to learn to compromise. As you agree, there needs to be a balance and it sounds like Dad is the only one whose realized that. Yeah, I wasnt responding so much to Mark re: sports but to culture as a whole. You also need to encourage your husband to be respectful of his daughters interests. Additionally, she may worry that if she stays in an unhappy marriage like yours, it will damage her relationship with her future spouse. We are extremely close and love doing the same things. Its awesome to have your children engaged in the world (government, politics, history, etc). He should be talking to his wife about how he feels alienated when it is the three of them, but this is an issue between him and his wife. My first question is, would he want you to go with them when they go camping/hiking/whatever? Go to a murder mystery night and talk about Sherlock.