One reason your wife never initiates affection may be stress related. Should be a Clause in sickness and health and sex also! His needs count too. And yes thank goodness for self stimulation but what I wouldnt give for a womans touch!!! So no, this was not the place to blow your horn. Im not really sure if you can put any one word to it. My husband and I have been married 6 years. And I love doggie! John, where do you live, and do you play golf regularly without your wife ? But maybe if shes willing to try your weekly sex date again, she might find that once youve aroused her, the mood sails in. This whole situation sucks for all of us. We might as well bring up the time tested alternative. Be grateful you were able to find someone in life to love and be loved by, many of us take this for granted not realizing how many lonely people there are out there who were never as lucky as we have been. . Your stereotypes are both incorrect AND insulting. I love him and am a bad lier, so using masturbation as a release. I almost wish I were. I want my wife to be happy with the experience as well. 1. We have tried many times and many ways to lose weight, but his belly doesnt change much and hes passed his growing stage of life. I set up a Revenge cheat. if you want to get married for children just understand that your wife will stop wanting to have sex with you after she gets her babies. He was several yrs younger than me, Ive Never been married & Ive had a half dozen BFs or so. Ive been teaching this to other young men for some time. Same issue here. If I go with my friend (who is also not 100% and we have the same pace, easy and slow) he ridicules me that I have energy to shop, walk her dog or just sit and chat over some tea. My husband has no sex drive at all. First few years sex was great. There are many men, myself included, who desire far more than just a quick physical release, and who see their wife as a partner in a shared loving experience, not a living sex toy to use and the put away once satisfied. I wont lecture: youve all read about it. I live in my garage, shop, apartment and happy as clam no yelling and name calling. What to do about it: Don't jump to conclusions. My husband is 46 gringo! After having surgery 2 years ago for testicular cancer my wife wont touch me. What to do about it: Using lube can help immensely with vaginal dryness and pain, and including more clitoral stimulation and sex toys can help make sure sexual experiences continue to be pleasurable for your wife. Im affectionate and do everything, but Im tired So I turn to porn and search things that include wife. And thats where I get my relief. She is a poor communicator and no matter how much I ask she gives me the silent treatment and thinks its OK. It hard to bud out. Spend the same time you are researching and pursuing prostitutesworking out and looking healthier and bettering your relationship. Who sacrifices? The good news is: there are plenty of ways to banish problems in the bedroom and rekindle the fire with your wife. I have been a loyal affectionate hard working husband ( I would say that!) Or if your wife does have a known medical issue, talk to each other about how your sex life might be being affected and ways you can work together to keep your sex life healthy. You should be glad that your wife is still with you your ass would have been out the door the first time you ever tried to tell me what to do oh and by the way Ive been married 20 years and my husband has NEVER told me what to do we both have great paying jobs and are very independent I have a Daddy and he stopped telling me what to do when I was 17. But keeping an open dialogue about your mutual wants and desires can, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4199300/, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4555290/, https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/jmft.12282, http://nationalmarriageproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/NMP-DateNight.pdf, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2707786/, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3807599/. I think that for me I need the human touch of a mature woman. Where is their allegiance to you? Men listen carefully If your wife stopped having sex with you after marriage she will NEVER regain that desire for you. Hope now your problem will be solved. I miss the simple things. She may begin to stop seeing herself as a sexual being as she assumes the role of mother, a role that society often strongly desexualizes. Reaching orgasm can become difficult or seem impossible.". I just want to rebuild my life again, move on, be kissed and touched! In the end, she doesnt want it and I have stopped caring. that is all there is. I have asked her why she makes dinner for us even though she hates doing it, and she says its because she loves me. She has very little interest in penetration. Also from a masculine point view primordial guttural sex that is still controlled contributes to female orgasim. Could I just ask the question? So to many they think Im faking it. Foreplay doesnt start in the bedroom, foreplay is EVERY day regardless if sex is on the table or not. Here are some things that you can try if you want to get intimate with your spouse. Having said that, I understand your frustration too. Weve been married for six years now and its been an abusive relationship in all types of way. A lack of emotional connection can make it hard for women to establish physical intimacy, even with their own life partner. I would be willing to bet the majority of men in our position have gone above and beyond to save our marriages, only to get a SELFISH wife to deny us to the point that we lose all our self esteem. Rich B, I am 64 and my wife has withheld sex with me for the the last 5 years. Anyway, I was so turned on by this guy (in love too)that just seeing him or us simply hugging was a major Turn-On. But just remember, mature willing women are unicorns. Ive been accepting of her feelings and expectations. Hi Mary The phone started beeping and making its different sounds at 630am. This put stress on things as did a lack of acceptance from my mother, to my Wife, until she died at 97. It will never balance out. It sounds like you need a little bad-boy edge to get her engine revving. That means you could wait forever for your wife to just want sex. But many times women holds back based on how they are treated. Its ridiculous. The first step is to communicate with your partner about what you think you might be lacking. I always aimEd to please her with oral sex preceded by lots of massaging, rubbing, kissing etc. About 10 % Love 90% Hate. I dont know what to do! Below are a few potential reasons that might explain why your wife is not interested in you sexually. My wife is 61 and Im 57. You say you dont know if youre doing foreplay right. 30 years I kept saying to myself.itll get better Now I have ED. She has her own retail business, which cash flows, but has hasnt turned a profit in the last 5 years. It has been years since my wife and I have had sex. I just cant keep going like this. Noah loves to write on matters of the heart and mind. You have (understandable) guilt and shame about sex, undoubtedly influenced by your current predicament and the old trauma of feeling rejected during your first long-term partnership. Thats abusive and hurtful too. I am 79 and my wife is 75 and our sex life is as good as ever. Accept her no lovingly, masturbate, and initiate again another day. I have a consulting business in devlopment now, because Social Security isnt enough to save money. So maybe try treating he how you did when first met. I didnt sign up for this garbage! NO! I wish you well and hope you find some consolation I was sleep-deprived for the first four months, getting about three and half hours of sleep a night. Start by losing the weight, shaving the body, washing daily, put some effort into youre own self and for Christs sake, clean up after yourself. Or does it not matter what the man wants? Ya over 40 years with out not a problem. That you are incapable or unwilling to engage in a relationship with a woman as an equal says a lot more about you than it does about marriage. If your wife doesnt feel confident about her physical appearance, she may have inadvertently shut down your sex life. Been in sexless marriage for 45 years! Since this is our first child, I dont even know whats normal and what isnt. Sure I wish I could be confident in her skin too but Im not going to let it overwhelm me. You need to know. Nothing is out of bounds! If she senses youre blaming her for something, shell go on the defensive. For women its submitting to the protector of her choosing and bearing only his children. Yes, its so hurtful and completely discouraging. Once the women have these needs fulfilled the sexual desire for the man that gave them all the things they desired goes away. Most women are unforgiving and never say theyre sorry for the crap they pull, and stop providing or enjoying sex on that basis. "Having small children is a frequent and legitimate excuse for not having sex.". If you want to romance her at 11 p.m., you need to understand that she needs time to sleep! she adds. If physical intimacy is missing and one partner is complaining about it, you know theres something going on. I have always been an affectionate person and have given affection but not received in return for at least a year. Marriage is a dream or a fantasy. I hear a lot of men on here talk of leaving their wives over this. Husband even can not touch her, let alone touch to arouse her. That may be one reasons why so many husbands. Do I disgust her? No one wants to talk about it. I really miss a girlfriend I used to have who loved giving me oral sex. 90% of the letters I read, could have been mine. 2009 - 2023 MindBodyGreen LLC. Before the ink was dry on the marriage license, shed already decided she was done being nice. Thats crazy my husband is the one who is lacking in wanting orgasms, I still need them daily so I continue with out him, I am tired of all the good years I wasted on him waiting lol our kids are grown and gone I still love sex! She wasnt as attractive or as fine a dresser, and my adolescent mind didnt see her as the choice for my good looks. I agree with Trish, Frustrated Daughter. My wife and I have been a couple for 51 years (since 1971). 5509 W. Gray Street, Suite 100Tampa, FL 33609(813) 222-8300, Copyright 2022 Family First, INC. All Rights Reserved.Site Design by Design Extensions, 4 Things to Do When Your Wife Wont Touch You. My wife is 54 and started menopause at 46. 30 years in sexless marriage. I said no. Count your blessings mate! We dont really argue and enjoy each others company. Ive been humiliated, rejected and told you can have love without sex, because, after all, cripples cant have sex but they still have love. If you two feel more like roommates than romantic partners, sex may just feel awkward or unappealing. Men my advice is dont get married or move in with women if you love sex. Hi, Nice advice. Want to have a happier, healthier marriage? So therapy would be out of the question, and shed never think about going on anything like low dose hormone therapy. It is incumbent on each of us, male and/or female to strive for the new, the invigoration, the secure, the calm, the exciting, the passionate . My doctor has tried several medications to stop any and all sexual feelings that I feel , but the side effects have always been so adverse that none of them worked out. When a woman has to live with her in-laws, its a major change from the way she had been living before. She may be experiencing depression or a lack of self-confidence, or maybe she feels like she's failing at this parenting thing. When you choose not to accept/care/act on it year after year, our desire disappears. More men need to leave their wives when they wont have sex with them. Lets face it, as women age, many lose sex drive, along with experiencing a good number of other sexual problems. Many marriages are suffering in this area, and even the strongest and most supportive husbands feel isolated from their wives. The wife never initiates physical contact if shes unhappy with the strength of the relationship, says Gopa. Yes! It is so sad listening to mostly men talk about their wives not wanting sex. I am so tired of these therapists and all there lets support the one who doesnt want sex but dismiss the one who is still in love and desires romance more than anything with KEEP MASTURBATING I am beginning to think that we are supposed to get old. Thank you for sharing! You said, So my question to the men here. I am partly replying and partly commenting on the many very earnest and difficult sexless relationships discussed here. I went elsewhere a few years back. I was faithful to my beautiful redhead for 27 yrs, and I never got tired of making love to her. Sh. "There is also much more pressure on any sex youdohave since it's happening less frequently; it feels like there is much more at stake each time the two of you are intimate. So all women who married men and saw this first hand, from 14 to 80. I think if my husband was interested in sex, even if it is too small and limp now, he would at least try to help ease my throbbing desire. Nerves responsible for pleasure become less prominent and less sensitive. Either her body and hormones are so off that she needs the support of . I want to divorce my husband!!! I hope to eventually meet another same sex partner willing to take her time and see what works. Only 50 at wits end, I dont want to start over, but I dont want to go another 10 years like this either, I cant talk to her about it be cause she has tried it didnt work, but no physical contact and her liking other guys attention just makes it unbearable, Between the undesirable side effects of the meds I take for depression and the unfortunate consequences of menopause, my sex drive is just dead, and I neither care nor have any desire whatsoever to revive it. She has to try, and she should want to try for your sake if not hers. If you deny one you put a wall around the other. My problem is my husband is still very much interested. :(, Wow Chris D!! If your wife wont have sex, it could be that she just doesnt feel close to you anymore, and the idea of being intimate makes her feel too vulnerable. Weve been married nearly 39 years and needless to say the last couple of decades I could have done without his aloofness. Ive even had the gumption to suggest that if HE doesnt desire sex, then maybe he could still give me pleasure. I think Im in love and theres no turning back. We lose ourselves. I was in a 22-year same sex relationship in which sex dried up after we had been together about 5 years. Not a bar person.. any any suggestions. So when your wife seems to frequently push you away and demonstrates through her words or actions that she has no interest in making love with you, this behavior is usually caused by a one or more triggering events. There are many exceptions, but if you dont want me let me go elsewhere. I would suggest you try these because they will increase your natural produce of testosterone without the side effects you mention. I was already starting to think that I was a man born in a womans body!!! I told her that men my age generally took longer to orgasm and for sex to be mutually enjoyable, we both needed to have pleasure. I ask why she said it is just how it is. You may be ok with the situation youve created.. thats one thing, but to act as though youre merely tolerating the situation as a martyr is pure BS. Share the moments and activities she loves and see how your desirability shoots for the clouds. She isnt enthusiastic about that idea. Lets discuss some of the most frequently asked questions related to what to do if your wife never initiates intimacy. I love her but I need sex I cant survive with masturbation, being with a woman and everything that goes with it is so important to me. . She can just kiss my butt. I feared marriage for tears because I knew this is what it would be. I have suffered from sexual dysfunction ever since I started having sex at 15 back in the mid 1970s. The scenario you posited is anything but. The LW sounds like a loving and considerate husband. It literally changed our lives. Sexual intimacy is kissing, hugging, touching, petting, laying baked, masturbating one another, oral sex and that look of intensity that tells you that you are desired. Shes not. Is there anything I can do. Whenever equality or egalitarianism gets discussed in the context of marriage, you can be sure this will involve benefits/advantages, whether natural or societal, that men have that ought to be shared equally with women and not benefits/advantages, whether natural or societal, that women have that ought to be shared equally with men. I am NEVER ENOUGH so why even bother? We are still asexually active and every time we see couples enjoying sex, it puts extreme sadness in our souls because we are faithful to our partner. There are many types of intimacy, and they tend to dovetail. She had a hysterectomy years ago do to cancer concerns, about 5 years ago she had a stroke like episode but there where no signs of actual stroke damage and she had started botox/steroid therapy in her spinal column for pain issues so there is suspicion that caused it, but because of a possible stroke they wont give estrogen. WFT. Arguments and maltreatment are nothing to put up with. I get tired of waking up because I realize Im having an erotic dream and humping the bed. You have grown as a human being . I just accept that I could not control it and that it is Gods will for me. Bob, my wife is the same way, says she feels bad she has zero interest in sex, but doesnt offer anything like oral or HJ either. Should they chew the food and pretend it tastes wonderful? We had a normal sex life up till last year 3/4 times a week, but at Christmas, during the middle of the day, where our 2 daughters could have walked downstairs and seen him, I happened to come around the corner near his office to see him standing there watching porn and masturbating, after we just had sex that morning. But after our second kid it just dried up to not much. He has an expectation of honesty and communication, perhaps, but only if he is providing the same for you. I like to think there is hope but unsure. Wish she would just say so. It might be seen as an act of charity on the womans part, but is it really a healthy recipe for life? Hi Theresa, I might even know you, you sound just like someone I know. During our engagement I made it crystal clear that my sex drive was high & she was the perfect woman to relieve it. All that said, unless your wife has a known health condition that she's currently managingor she's had a very sudden and significant change in her sex drivedon't assume that her lack of interest in having sex with you means something is medically wrong with her. Prostate cancer or vaginal dryness does not preclude you from meeting the sexual needs of your partner out of laziness and a lack of giving a shit. Wtf are we supposed to do when our spouse doesnt want to make love? Youre describing my dilemma to a tee. Thats something that you honestly need to ask yourself. Lets separate then.NO! I cant say all women are like this but the handful I have been with do not talk about what feels good to them or what they would like me to do and/or do differently. They can go months and years without sex and then the menopause hits and then theyre completely done. I so desired to be held, touched, kissed deeply and often, all the things that love should be about, but it wasnt to be. Should a husband and wife have equal weight in decision making when the husband shoulders ultimate risk for the consequences? But this past 6 months I see things slipping and I feel we are not getting that closeness and are becoming more distant even though we do many things together. If shes not in the mood neither am I . It got to the point that he wanted sex badly and was about to lose his mind. Of course mine wont go to a therapist no matter what so apparently the problem will persist. Even with all the gadgets and hired help, modern women have a lot on their plate. But to then take into account the Catholic Churchs stance on that interjects another sticking point, if I may use that term. I cant stop thinking about it. I had a feeling he was going to leave me in no time and he later did this was After 3 years of marriage, my husband left me and never returned. , motherhood, or work anxiety can cause your wife to feel too overwhelmed for intimacy. I am in your same position but from the other side I am a 64 year old healthy, active man. But did you notice that men have to make the first move? Im in the same situation with my overweight, lazy, 48 year old wife. (d.head || d.body).appendChild(s); Dont men throb? I remember when certain words did the trick. he will not give me a divorce so yes take a lover if you need too cause feeling wanted, desired, and loved, is like food we all need it and deserve it! I appreciate that No outside agency or individual can fix anything yet they get their fix of adulation with tired Info. My wife and I have been in couples therapy now for about 3 years, and while it has helped our relationship a lot, nothing going on sexually. The Bible says to not deny one another because it leads to stumbling. Get your answer. Perhaps, some counseling might even help. The gender doesnt matter here, but if you have trust issues, its eventually going to lead to resentment. But his belly sticks out a lot and makes it extremely difficult to get in because of 3 things. She may give in from time to time to satisfy her man, but the drive is gone. Meanwhile, I encourage you to keep masturbating. Loved sexI mean with exuberance and joy. Kelly Gonsalves is a sex educator, relationship coach, and journalist. "Feeling expected to have sex a certain way, or feeling like you need to have intercourse if you explore desire with your partner, can actually strangle a woman's libido over time.". But the giving up on relationship and each other is what happens. I cant have sex do to pain and believe me I truly hat it. Slept in basement for a few years until I built my own space that had an apartment and work shop. While men often connect to their wives through physical intimacy, a wife needs a mix of physical arousal and emotional intimacy to feel connected to her partner. Many marriages have been ruin, husband are sad, desperate, when wives started to isolate themselves. Very few people in my club and I sincerely hope not many more people join, Mike G, And Ive been caught too. Willsounds like you live in the stone agesworks for you.but most woman like a say in whether they would like to be touched or not. It was not measurable in his blood. We both have health issues (That is very thoughtful, I do all those things because my wife is Special and I want her to be happy) I have always shared the housework and dont mean picking up my clothes yes I am defensive because women dont believe med do housework. He's a great dad, and a considerate husband. She never apologized. The Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health published a study that found low levels of self-esteem harmed a womans sexual functions. Please, do us all a favor and retire from the one thing you SHOULD be retiring from-giving advice. I wonder if it could be depression (something he wouldnt admit to), but its been going on a long time. Hi Christi, the best thing about this article is the comment section! The more I got, the more I wanted. So, Im on my own unless I decide to cheat. Be truthful. Fun-loving, Honest and Straightforward. My wife has offered to let me move on, the problem is I love her and everything else about our relationship. He is suffering from a mental health issue. In particular, most women cannot reach orgasm from penis-in-vagina intercourse alone. However, another simple answer is that she isnt used to being the initiator. I love her to death but cant stand to be around her anymore.